some pics. My little slice of paradise. Aren' you jealous? And my beautiful Abby (and me!)
Friday, April 11, 2014
Purpose
This is something I have been struggling with. Purpose. Purpose for my life. Purpose for things that have happened. Purpose. Growing up in a Christian home its a word I heard often. And I still believe God has a purpose for each of us...we're all here for a reason and a purpose and there are no mistakes. Saying it in theory is easier than applying it to myself however.
And then there is "everything happens for a reason"..."everything happens for a purpose". At one point I believed that....Or I thought I did. I'm not sure if I've ever really believed it. I think thats one part of Christianity I have always struggled with. My faith in that started faltering when I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at age 16 and told the average life expectancy was 32 and there was no guarantee what side I would fall on because CF is so unpredictable. As I have lost more and more friends to the monster my everything happens for a purpose belief has faltered more. And then the last 2 years happened and shook me to the core and any belief I had in things happening for a purpose or reason was gone.
I believe some things have no purpose . Sometimes for reasons beyond our control bad things happen. Or for reasons within our control bad things happen. Maybe we caused them, maybe we didn't. Maybe someone else did, maybe not. They serve no greater good. Nothing good comes from them. They suck, they are hard and we claw our way through them. We make it the best that we can. We either fight with everything we have or we give up. We're either fighters or quitters. Just because He can make all things work together for good doesn't mean that all things are good or have purpose.
The one thing I struggle with is the cystic fibrosis. If I believe God created me and cystic fibrosis is genetic...I have two genetic mutations that cause it...then do I believe God created me with CF? Is it part of his purpose? I refuse to believe a painful, serious and ultimately deadly disease is part of His great plan for me. I refuse to believe depression is part of His plan. Sometimes crap happens. Sometimes God lets it for reasons we don't understand. He's not up there playing puppet master.
As for life purposes. That is tough too. We're not all Billy Grahams, Einsteins, beethovens etc. Some of us are average. We're plain everyday somewhat smarter than the average bear, okay looking, had one year of piano lessons and are somewhat artistic people. Nothing "special". Not the next world changer. Not the next great anything. Thats me...average. While I do believe average people can do extraordinary things I think sometimes we focus so much on purpose being something huge and important and world changing that we forget that it doesn't have to be. Taking care of family , raising kids, rescuing animals, doing anything that helps others, sharing your story (I like to think maybe 1 person will be helped through my blog and my story), working with kids at church or wherever, helping the enviroment (little things like cutting those plastic soda ring things up and not littering)....those things help change the world. Finding your talent...be it writing, photography, film making, etc. Purpose can cover a lot of ground and it may not be one certain huge thing. Maybe its being a certain kind of person and making an impact on others. Maybe its that book you write when your 50. Maybe its a documentary you make. Maybe its that child you raise. Maybe it has to do with someone you haven't even met yet. Maybe its thsoe memories people are left with....those lives you touch. I believe every person we meet....we leave an impression...some sort of impact...whether we know it...heck sometimes whether they know it.
I have no clue what purpose is. It sucks being average. I wish I was a prodigy or a genious etc. I wish God would talk to me and tell me what it is. Maybe I won't know here on earth. I do know I have a purpose...and its not finished yet. I know I would be dead otherwise with all the oppertunities God has had to take me. But He's left me here so He's not done. Sometimes I wish He were!
And then there is "everything happens for a reason"..."everything happens for a purpose". At one point I believed that....Or I thought I did. I'm not sure if I've ever really believed it. I think thats one part of Christianity I have always struggled with. My faith in that started faltering when I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at age 16 and told the average life expectancy was 32 and there was no guarantee what side I would fall on because CF is so unpredictable. As I have lost more and more friends to the monster my everything happens for a purpose belief has faltered more. And then the last 2 years happened and shook me to the core and any belief I had in things happening for a purpose or reason was gone.
I believe some things have no purpose . Sometimes for reasons beyond our control bad things happen. Or for reasons within our control bad things happen. Maybe we caused them, maybe we didn't. Maybe someone else did, maybe not. They serve no greater good. Nothing good comes from them. They suck, they are hard and we claw our way through them. We make it the best that we can. We either fight with everything we have or we give up. We're either fighters or quitters. Just because He can make all things work together for good doesn't mean that all things are good or have purpose.
The one thing I struggle with is the cystic fibrosis. If I believe God created me and cystic fibrosis is genetic...I have two genetic mutations that cause it...then do I believe God created me with CF? Is it part of his purpose? I refuse to believe a painful, serious and ultimately deadly disease is part of His great plan for me. I refuse to believe depression is part of His plan. Sometimes crap happens. Sometimes God lets it for reasons we don't understand. He's not up there playing puppet master.
As for life purposes. That is tough too. We're not all Billy Grahams, Einsteins, beethovens etc. Some of us are average. We're plain everyday somewhat smarter than the average bear, okay looking, had one year of piano lessons and are somewhat artistic people. Nothing "special". Not the next world changer. Not the next great anything. Thats me...average. While I do believe average people can do extraordinary things I think sometimes we focus so much on purpose being something huge and important and world changing that we forget that it doesn't have to be. Taking care of family , raising kids, rescuing animals, doing anything that helps others, sharing your story (I like to think maybe 1 person will be helped through my blog and my story), working with kids at church or wherever, helping the enviroment (little things like cutting those plastic soda ring things up and not littering)....those things help change the world. Finding your talent...be it writing, photography, film making, etc. Purpose can cover a lot of ground and it may not be one certain huge thing. Maybe its being a certain kind of person and making an impact on others. Maybe its that book you write when your 50. Maybe its a documentary you make. Maybe its that child you raise. Maybe it has to do with someone you haven't even met yet. Maybe its thsoe memories people are left with....those lives you touch. I believe every person we meet....we leave an impression...some sort of impact...whether we know it...heck sometimes whether they know it.
I have no clue what purpose is. It sucks being average. I wish I was a prodigy or a genious etc. I wish God would talk to me and tell me what it is. Maybe I won't know here on earth. I do know I have a purpose...and its not finished yet. I know I would be dead otherwise with all the oppertunities God has had to take me. But He's left me here so He's not done. Sometimes I wish He were!
The Butterfly (from 2008)
I actually wrote this what seems like a lifetime ago...back in 2008. I found it today stored in an old email account (don't ask!). It was on my blog like 3 blogs ago. I have to admit I cried reading it. I didn't write it to my future self, I had no admire how applicable it would be at this point in my life but it really hits home:
Anyone remember the movie a Bugs Life? Someday I will be a beyootiful butterfly.
Really though butterflies start out as an ugly caterpillar that everyone wants to squash, that people are afraid of. Looking at one you would never imagine what this ugly creature could become. The one day it forms a chrysalis. After a period of time a beautiful butterfly comes out. The interesting things are that the butterfly has to break out of the chrysalis by itself. Any help from well meaning humans would be detrimental and even deadly. After breaking out of the chrysalis the wings of the butterfly are wet and have to dry out before the butterfly takes flight for the first time.
Maybe it’s just me but I see a lot of my life in the butterfly. Sometimes I feel like the ugly caterpillar. But then I think of God. God can make all things beautiful. But sometimes the process of becoming beautiful isn't easy. Sometimes it takes long periods of solitude with just God, sometimes it involves having to go through some tough stuff and being the only one who can push through it...no one can do it for us and if they could it would be detrimental. And sometimes we try to fly before our wings are ready. Our wings are wet and not ready for flight but being the impatient people we are we try to fly anyway and take a crash landing. If we would wait for God's timing, for our wings to dry then we could soar. And boy oh boy the day we take flight as the beautiful creature God intended for us to be. And like the fact that every caterpillar turns into a butterfly we can all turn into butterflies. God gives us all opportunities to turn into one. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of hard work and a few crash landings
So I keep telling myself that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly
Anyone remember the movie a Bugs Life? Someday I will be a beyootiful butterfly.
Really though butterflies start out as an ugly caterpillar that everyone wants to squash, that people are afraid of. Looking at one you would never imagine what this ugly creature could become. The one day it forms a chrysalis. After a period of time a beautiful butterfly comes out. The interesting things are that the butterfly has to break out of the chrysalis by itself. Any help from well meaning humans would be detrimental and even deadly. After breaking out of the chrysalis the wings of the butterfly are wet and have to dry out before the butterfly takes flight for the first time.
Maybe it’s just me but I see a lot of my life in the butterfly. Sometimes I feel like the ugly caterpillar. But then I think of God. God can make all things beautiful. But sometimes the process of becoming beautiful isn't easy. Sometimes it takes long periods of solitude with just God, sometimes it involves having to go through some tough stuff and being the only one who can push through it...no one can do it for us and if they could it would be detrimental. And sometimes we try to fly before our wings are ready. Our wings are wet and not ready for flight but being the impatient people we are we try to fly anyway and take a crash landing. If we would wait for God's timing, for our wings to dry then we could soar. And boy oh boy the day we take flight as the beautiful creature God intended for us to be. And like the fact that every caterpillar turns into a butterfly we can all turn into butterflies. God gives us all opportunities to turn into one. Sometimes it takes a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of hard work and a few crash landings
So I keep telling myself that one day I will be a beyootiful butterfly
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Mental Illness stigma....I'm going on a rant
Hold on...this could get long. Its no secret that my life has been filled with struggles with mental illness. I'm not shy about it. I've had 4 psychiatric hospitalizations in 2 years. I've taken meds and been in therapy(well therapy on and off) since I was 17. I've got many diagnoses...more than I really care to share. I've attempted suicide. My arms bear the scars of years of self harm. Why do I share this? Not because I want attention or people to see me as strong or anything. I want to put a face to mental illness. I want people to see hey people who struggle with mental illness aren't scary. Statistically we are more likely to hurt ourselves or to be victims of a crime than to hurt anyone else!
It ticks me off anytime anything bad happens...be it a mass shooting, a mother killing her kids, a serial killer, a serial rapist etc...that people start shouting that the person behind it must be mentally ill. I see it happen on the news all the time. The first thing that happens when someone commits a crime is their mental health is called into question. I'm sorry but some people are just plain evil, are bad, are crazy (very different from mentally ill which is truly a sickness just like cancer), maybe even just born a bad seed.
I don't want people to be scared of me or anyone else with mental illnesses. Heck I catch ladybugs and put them outside, pick up starfish and put them back in the ocean, rescue cats, won't eat lobster or crab because of the cruelty involved in their deaths etc. Hardly someone who would even ever think of doing something horrible to another person (or any living creature!)
The only person I have ever been interested in harming or killing is myself. Thats it. I have never thought about, fantasized about, dreamed about or wanted to harm or kill someone else. I'm not a scary person. I'm not a strange person. I'm not a monster.
If you asked me to define myself...being mentally ill would not even make it into the mix. Being an animal lover with an unusual connection to animals, being creative, loving to write, loving to make others laugh, being a 100% carolina girl who loves the water, loving bright colors, rollerblading, swimming, being active with the cystic fibrosis foundation,loving to read, my intelligence, being a self taught computer whiz, having awesome hair, being an aunt...those are all things that would. And the further I get in recovery....the less it defines me. But as long as I live I will fight the stigma. I will do everything I can to make sure that myself and others like aren't stereotyped, stigmatized and feared. I am a person...not an illness.
Some of the funniest..most creative...sweetest...most caring people..smartest people I know struggle with mental illness. Some of the most brilliant and most creative people in history have struggled with mental illness
Its nothing to be ashamed of. And I wish more people could talk openly about their struggles. I bet it would help a lot of people not feel so alone and would encourage others to seek help. It would also help to put more faces to mental illness and help people see that we're just normal people...we're not so scary
It ticks me off anytime anything bad happens...be it a mass shooting, a mother killing her kids, a serial killer, a serial rapist etc...that people start shouting that the person behind it must be mentally ill. I see it happen on the news all the time. The first thing that happens when someone commits a crime is their mental health is called into question. I'm sorry but some people are just plain evil, are bad, are crazy (very different from mentally ill which is truly a sickness just like cancer), maybe even just born a bad seed.
I don't want people to be scared of me or anyone else with mental illnesses. Heck I catch ladybugs and put them outside, pick up starfish and put them back in the ocean, rescue cats, won't eat lobster or crab because of the cruelty involved in their deaths etc. Hardly someone who would even ever think of doing something horrible to another person (or any living creature!)
The only person I have ever been interested in harming or killing is myself. Thats it. I have never thought about, fantasized about, dreamed about or wanted to harm or kill someone else. I'm not a scary person. I'm not a strange person. I'm not a monster.
If you asked me to define myself...being mentally ill would not even make it into the mix. Being an animal lover with an unusual connection to animals, being creative, loving to write, loving to make others laugh, being a 100% carolina girl who loves the water, loving bright colors, rollerblading, swimming, being active with the cystic fibrosis foundation,loving to read, my intelligence, being a self taught computer whiz, having awesome hair, being an aunt...those are all things that would. And the further I get in recovery....the less it defines me. But as long as I live I will fight the stigma. I will do everything I can to make sure that myself and others like aren't stereotyped, stigmatized and feared. I am a person...not an illness.
Some of the funniest..most creative...sweetest...most caring people..smartest people I know struggle with mental illness. Some of the most brilliant and most creative people in history have struggled with mental illness
Its nothing to be ashamed of. And I wish more people could talk openly about their struggles. I bet it would help a lot of people not feel so alone and would encourage others to seek help. It would also help to put more faces to mental illness and help people see that we're just normal people...we're not so scary
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)