For better or worse

Kind of a follow up to my post on acceptance....

I really struggle because I felt like I've never fit in. I felt like I've never been smart enough, talented enough etc. I know I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not talented. Yes I am smart...but that hasn't really gotten me anywhere but in trouble. I'm certainly not athletic. I'm excellent with animals but my extreme fear of people kind of holds me back because animals usually have people attached.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at almost 29. Still living at home, having had 4 psychiatric hospitalizations in 18 months, seeing a psychiatrist weekly, battling depression and anxiety and a paralyzing fear of people. My biggest achievement being how long I've gone without hurting myself. A far cry from the life of a veterinarian that I dreamed about at 15, 16 and 17.

I've watched my friends and my brother grow up and get married and have kids...while I'm left behind. I watch their lives go on...see them happy and fulfilled while I'm left behind struggling to make it one day at a time. And people don't get it...I hear well there are so many people who have it worse than you. Well....maybe you shouldn't be so happy because so many people have it better than YOU! <rant over>

I wonder if I will ever fall in love or I will die alone....and then I realize why I'm suicidal (a little dark humor there people)

I grew up in a strong Christian family...I never really questioned my faith until I was teenager and then I came to peace with it until this year. I don't talk about it much because well I live in a conservative southern town with a baptist church on every corner..and I've learned its best to avoid a) politics b) religion and c) football. I do still believe in God but the God I believe in...He's not quite the same one I was raised to believe in. The God I believe in is way more tolerant...He doesn't hate someone because of their sexual orientation or because their mentally ill or disabled or an alcoholic. He loves equally. My beliefs have evolved to be very liberal. I am pretty anti-church. My beliefs aren't based on what I've been told or what I've read in books by others....they are based on what I've lived and what I've read in the Bible.

It seems to be the only people who believe in cookie cutter Christianity are those who have the cookie cutter perfect lives. Those for whom everything has fallen into place. Those have fallen in love, gotten married, had kids, etc. Not those who have woken up in a hospital after trying to kill themselves. Not those for whom a pysch hospital is a second home. Not those who the depths of depression is no stranger to. Not those who have lost friends to the same fatal disease that will one day take their lives. Not those who been sexually assaulted and 5 years later are still struggling with it. Not only myself but those I have met along the way who struggle in similar yet different ways..whose pain is deeper than most can ever imagine.

I am a far different person than I was 2 years ago. For better or worse. Sometimes I don't know if all the therapy in the world will ever heal all the damage done in my life. I really don't. Maybe I will always be "broken goods"...too damaged for anyone to love.  But then Maybe I will come out of my coccoon a stronger, more beautiful butterfly than ever.

Acceptance

I've realized lately that this is one thing I struggle with. But I've also realized one thing....I cannot expect anyone else to accept me if I can't accept myself. If I'm not happy and secure in who I am then how can I expect anyone else to be happy with who I am and to love me for who I am?

I admit I have never quite fit in. I've always been the odd one out. The loner, the geek, the outsider...whatever you want to call. Sometimes I don't even feel like I fit in with own family. People either love me or they hate me....there seems to be no inbetween. I joke I'm an aquired taste. I don't know maybe its my odd sense of humor or my very strong introverted personality. If I know you well enough and you hit me on a good day and with the right subject...I'll talk your ears off.....otherwise not so much. On a really bad day you might get the leave me the hell alone look.

I've never been happy and secure in who I am. I've always tried to change to please the people around me. Changing my hair, my clothes, my look to whatever the people around me considered cool. Acting like the "cool people" etc. Honestly I have no interest in most pop culture...just to get it straight I read the hunger games way before it was so popular...same with harry potter. I watched NCIS when I didn't know anyone else who did. You get the picture.

But I'm not cool. I'm not. I know it. I'm a lot geeky. A lot awkard. My sense of humor is very odd. My interests are rather unique. I'd rather spend time with my animals than most people. I dress very...interestingly. My favorite hat looks like a sock monkey. And yes I have (several) mental illnesses that effect me more some days than others...the depression is better but I will always battle it. That adds to my uniqueness. I'm 28 and single and have no desire to have kids.

See....I'm odd. But I'm me. And I'm determined to love me and all my oddness. I'd be no fun if I was just like everyone else. If the world was made up of clones...it wouldn't be a very interesting place. I just wish we could all be more accepting of eachother and our differences. We can different and still accept eachother and like eachother and be nice to eachother. Heck we don't have to be friends with everyone but theres no harm is being nice to the people you come across and accepting them...differences and all. No matter their race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, whether their mentally ill, their political views, religion etc....we're all people and we all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. And the world would be a better place and perhaps there would even be less violence if there was more acceptance...if less people felt like loners....felt like they never belong anywhere

So not only am I going to love myself and my oddness and accept myself....I'm going to extend that to rest of the world. To treat others with kindness and respect regardless of who they are. A simple hello to stranger, a smile, a conversation. To make someone else feel less alone. Because I know how it feels to feel alone and like you don't belong.

BitterSweet

If I had to describe 2013 in one word bittersweet would be it.  Tomorrow the sweetest part turns 5 months old...my nephew Michael. Oh how I love that sweet boy. I've never been much of a baby person but I could just cuddle and hug and kiss that bundle of sweetness forever. He loves his aunt bekah too ;-) Unfortunately I was not there for his birth...I was 3 hours away in the hospital at MUSC having one of those "bitter" moments. That was worth it to make sure that I will be there for the rest of his days

Of course just as much as new life is exciting and a part of life that we all look forward to.....seeing our loved ones age and move closer to the end of their lives is one that we dread. While we delight in Mikey we've had the sadness of watching loved ones age. My beloved grandparents who have been rock, my support, my safety have been declining slowly over the last year. It brings me to tears to see my "pop" struggling, almost unable to walk . And then my precious aunt who has down syndrome and has always been such a special part of our family....its heartbreaking to have had to watch her having seizures and to see her laying almost unresponsive in the hospital and to see dementia taking over.

I know death is just as much a part of life as birth. I know that. I'm not afraid of death. But I'm a lot more comfortable with my death and the thought of my health worsening than I am of the death and aging of those I love. I don't know why its so much easier to accept when its me. Having candid discussions with my mom about death (I love to tell her that if I die she better not EVER put my name etc on her back car window or I will haunt her forever lol)...but I can't bear to talk about anyone I love being sick or dying. Heck even the animals. I still get upset when I think about Ellie and thats been 2 years ago.

Needless to say Christmas was very different this year. No big meals etc. We had a very casual lunch at our house Christmas day with my mom, dad, josh, kara, me and mikey and my aunt, uncle, cousin and her boyfriend. My aunt was still in the hospital and that grandma was with her and my other grandparents weren't able to leave the house (we went over there and opened presents and visited Christmas eve). Certainly not the southern living Christmases we're used to lol. It was eat wherever you can find a spot. Dogs runnning around (4 of them!)/ Toys all over the place. And Christmas vacation playing loudly on the tv in the living room. But we were together and we were alive and most importantly we had the mikey monkey with us

I don't know 2014 holds. I know for me its looking to be a better year emotionally/mental health wise. I still take it a day at a time. I enjoy the good days and make it through the bad.  It hasn't started off so great physical health wise.  8 days into the year and I ended up at the doctor getting a rocephin shot and a rx for cipro...gotta go back next week for a recheck...so far the problem hasn't  cleared up completely which will mean more tests and more doctors *sigh* (and this is totally random and not CF related!)

I have found out throughout the last year that I am stronger than I ever thought and that I am a fighter...more than I ever knew! And I don't quit! Its good to know my stubborness is a good trait and not just one that annoys my family :-) I've seen a lot of growth in myself and sometimes I even surprise myself

I guess that sums up my 2013

I've been out of the "blogosphere" for some time so I decided since its a new year and I feel like a new person that I will give myself a new start with a new blog. Its still about my life but hopefully it will be apparent how much my life has changed. I've been through a lot in the last two years and it has truly made me a better stronger person and I am so thankful for what I've been through, thats it got me where I am at.

I will still blog about life with cystic fibrosis....which unfortunatly does not get better. One bad thing about CF...it tends to progress with age. But hey I take it as it comes. Enjoy the good days and just get through the bad ones. I have been pleased that my lungs have stayed fairly stable over the last few years....I'm happy with that.

I have no specific ideas for this blog....just whatever happens to pop into my head on a particular day. It may be about my life, it may be some deep religious or philosophical post, it may be a rant about a current event. Just randomness. I will try to post several times a week...atleast once a week.

Enjoy!