Its been another week where the bittersweet part of life has really shined through.
We got to spend the weekend with Mikey (and my brother and sister in law). I've never been a baby person...before mikey I'd never had much experience. But really the little guy won my heart the first time I met him. They got here friday and my mom was holding him and he was trying to dive out her arms and into mine! I even let the kid drool on phone and sang soft kitty 1,000 times. He's crawling now and at the point where you can really play with him and not just sit and rock him. It seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for his baby shower!
Mikey of course is the sweetest part of life right now. A reminder that life goes on...a reminder of new life, the excitement over every first. We've cheered as he's smiled, laughed, rolled over, sat up and now crawling. Mikey is hope...He is joy. Everything that babies and children are. You can't help but smile and laugh when you're around them
On the other end of that we celebrated my pop's 83rd birthday yesterday. While I am thrilled he is 83 and still here....it hurts to see him declining. It hurts to hear talks of wheelchairs and ramps and such. My grandparents have always been my rock. I've always been especially close to them. I've always avoided thinking about life without them. But as they age and as I see my granddad's health decline...I don't have much choice but to think about it a little. I mean it may be years but still.
I know the Bible says a "a time to be born and time to die"....and I have no problem with death. But I'm a lot more okay with MY death. I don't fear my death. The process of dying scares but not death. But I am scared of losing the ones I love and living without them. I also hate seeing them in pain. You know its funny....unlike most kids....I never had a fear of death...I never was afraid of it. Of the dying process yes...I want to go peacefully and not in a hospital...but death no. I've always been scared of losing the people I love. Thats what sucks about loving people....you end up losing them one way or another. I do believe death is not a final goodbye...just a see ya later. I have no concrete proof of these things...no scientific evidence but I believe them with all my heart based on my life experience. I fully believe some things just cannot be explained by science or otherwise during this lifetime. Maybe that makes me crazy..I don't think so. I don't call myself a hardcore Christian..or even a conservative one....but this isn't about religion so anyway
I know I've said a lot of this in other posts....but its just been on my mind a lot lately. I guess the fact I'm not getting any younger doesn't help any either. I can't believe I will be 29 next month! I think I will quit counting when I hit 30. Of course maybe when I hit 30 people will stop thinking I look 14 or 15.....its pretty sad when you still get carded to buy a game rated TEEN!!! Not even mature...TEEN!!! <rant over>
I'm happy about my birthday and somewhat sad...the years are going by way too fast. And I'm not where I wanted to be at this age. Nowhere near it. I know life is a journey and I am much happier with where I am this year and where I'm headed vs last year but still I'm sad when I look back at would could have been. I know I shouldn't look at the shoulda/coulda/wouldas...but don't we all? I know 29 is still young but then I wonder...do I really have a long life ahead of me? I know what a beast CF can be...I know there are no promises as to how it will progress...heck 3 years ago I was told I probably was going to need home oxygen and my heart was wearing out. My heart and lungs are going just as good as ever...amazing for someone who couldn't walk across a room without gasping for air! But still I know how fast things can change. I don't know...so much I want to do but yet I feel like I still have work to do before I can and and am still a ways away from being able to do it
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
flashback fridays
I guess it wouldn't surprise anyone that I was a weird child lol. I was a nice mix of barbie/pink/dress wearing and teenage mutant ninja turtle/camo wearing/wrestling/video game playing. That might be the effect of growing up with an older brother. I was never much for baby dolls...my cat slept in the doll crib and I pushed her around in the doll stroller. My favorite thing ever was my elaborate toy horse stable set up. I was a horse lover. I started riding when I was in kindergarten and I had toy horses, toy stable, collected grand champions (remember those?), watched horse movies. I was horse crazy. Infact my favorite move EVER growing up was wild hearts cant be broken..an obscure live action disney movie about....yes horses.
I also loved reading. I learned to read at 4 and haven't stopped since. My first book was where the wild things are. I loved arts and crafts..still do. And writing...still do. I have journals and diaries from when I was 7/8 years old. Funny to go back and read
My favorite days where summer days when we would go to the library and I would come home and curl up in my beanbag chair and not come out of my room until supper. Then I would take a bath and curl back up in my beanbag and do the same until I fell asleep. My mom would come and make me get in the bed. Such simple days. Noone used to believe me how fast I would read...still don't. Yes I can polish off a normal size novel in 2 hours. As you can guess I was hard to ground because my ideal weekend was being in my room alone with nothing but my books!
I drove my parents crazy because my three favorite pairs of shoes growing up (at different times) were my pink converse, my cowboy boots and my hiking boots. My hiking boots really drove them crazy because I insisted on wearing them with my frilly church dresses. I won't ever forget this really fancy christmas dress....huge standout shiny skirt, velvet top, big bow etc....guess what shoes I wore with it? Yep hiking boots. It was a sad day they fell apart
I was a video game nerd....We had an atari before I was out of diapers. I cut my teeth so to speak on pac man and qbert. My real addiction came though when I was 6 and we got our NES and I met Mario. And then not long after I got my gameboy. I can still play through the original marios and tell you where all the secrets are! Heck I still am a video game nerd...I have a DSi, Wii, PC, Android phone, and tablet. 3DS is next on my list. We got our first computer when I was 8 and that brought with it where in the world is carman sandiego....I never did find carman BTW. And later on Sim City and the Sims.
And last but not least. My love for animals start young. From the time I can remember when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I would say veterinarian. I know thats not likely so I have adjusted it to vet tech at some point down the road. We got our first dog when I was 6 months old. A golden named Buddy. We have pics of Buddy laying beside my playpen while I played. When I was 3 we got our 2nd golden princess. Not long after that my cat fever began. I wanted a kitty so bad. I begged and I begged and I begged. Not long after my 5th birthday my great aunt showed up at our house with a maine coon kitten who I named muffin. Muffin was my sidekick for 17 years (and died inmy arms)! Over the years I have rescued numerous stray cats. Then Rosie the chihuahua came along after princess died in 98.Pumpkin my angel kitty in 2003. Dusty in 2004. Ellie in 2007. Abby in 2012 after we lost Ellie. May I add Rosie is still alive and kicking lol. I can't imagine life without my babies...they make me smile on my darkest days and I consider them an important part of my therapy. Ellie was an unimaginable loss...one I thought I would never get over but then Abby came into my life and won my heart.
So theres my ramblings. My first flashback friday. Next Friday's topic is the TV Show Today's Special
Thursday, March 6, 2014
ramblings on life, death and soft kitty
I know I haven't blogged as often as promised. I wish I could say it was because I'm just so damned busy but we all know thats a lie. Its probably because Angry Birds Rio and The Big Bang theory are taking up too much of my time. That and I came to the all important conclusion that I need an intervention because I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with dusty (the cat) in my lap brushing him and singing the soft kitty song. That folks is a cry for help! Apparently my singing sucks because Dusty bit me and ran...or either I was just very creepy.
Anyhow...Tomorrow I am starting "flashback friday" where I will talk about a favorite TV show, toy, game etc from my childhood. Hold on people we're going back to the 80s and 90s! Today however I will just ramble...cause its my blog and I can do whatever I want.
I count myself lucky because I am almost 29 and I have lost one person that I was really close to. Or atleast since I've been old enough to really understand death. Either I am just really introverted and lack people I am close to or I am very lucky. I lost my granddad (my dad's dad) when I was 14. It was rather suddenly though I will never forget having lunch with him that afternoon and him saying he just didn't have much time left....his heart was giving out. Sure enough that night we got a call that they had to call 911 because he was having a heart attack. He died in the ambulance. I'm sure most people think I reacted strange....I had begged and begged my parents to let me go to camp that summer and I was set to leave that monday (this was friday night). my granddad was excited for me and really wanted me to go...wanting to go to camp was really out of character for me. After having time to quietly take in what had happened I begged my parents to still let me go. Of course camp isn't cheap and it was non refundable so they agreed. So instead of going to his funeral that monday I left for camp bright amd early on a bus of teenagers. Shocked everyone that shy quiet rebekah never called home and never look back heh.
I say this because now my other 3 grandparents are aging. My other granddad can barely walk and his legs seem to get weaker by the day. My beloved aunt with down syndrome is in the throes of dementia and its rare for her to call me by name...oh how I cherish the rare time that she calls me bekah now. She rarely walks and doesnt leave the den. A good family friend who is like family and has been close to us since I was 13 was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like its inevitable that someone is going to die. I know that sounds morbid...but look at the situations and the odds. Health problems aside 2 of my remaining 3 graandparents are in their 80s.
I look at my nephew who just started crawling and think cruel aging is. How cruel disease is. I am thankful the mikey monkey is healthy but I know many kids aren't so lucky.
I know birth and death are a part of life....one as much as the other. there is a time to be born and a time to die. I like to look at death as a kind of birth because I believe that this life isn't all there is. I believe there is heaven. I'm not sure what it is but I believe its there. And I believe death is kind of like the birth process to get there. Just like how we have to be born into this world...we have to be born into heaven. Or thats the way I like to think of it. I can't live without believing that there is something more than this life. I just can't. I don't believe death is final. I've never felt like this world was my home...I don't feel like this is where I belong. I can't explain it. I just know that this is not my home! I just have to look at my aunt for proof of that...I have no doubt she sees things that I cannot even comprehend and that I will not be able to comprehend until I die. I just have to hold on to something. Its what gets me through those days when I am so depressed I don't feel like I can make it another minute. I also though don't believe my time here is up. So many times I could have died and I didn't....I just believe for some reason, for some purpose...I'm still meant to be here. And that keeps me going when I don't think i can.
I shudder to think of life without the family that has surrounded me since I was born. I've grown up with all my family around me. Within walking and biking and golf cart distance. I am thankful everyday for their support. I still think of my granddad often even though its been almost 15 years...I will forever be grateful for all checkers games while we drank grape sodas and talked fish aquariums (our hobby) and for the walks in his greenhouse while he showed me what he was growing. I hope that we can provide Mikey those kind of memories.
Anyhow...Tomorrow I am starting "flashback friday" where I will talk about a favorite TV show, toy, game etc from my childhood. Hold on people we're going back to the 80s and 90s! Today however I will just ramble...cause its my blog and I can do whatever I want.
I count myself lucky because I am almost 29 and I have lost one person that I was really close to. Or atleast since I've been old enough to really understand death. Either I am just really introverted and lack people I am close to or I am very lucky. I lost my granddad (my dad's dad) when I was 14. It was rather suddenly though I will never forget having lunch with him that afternoon and him saying he just didn't have much time left....his heart was giving out. Sure enough that night we got a call that they had to call 911 because he was having a heart attack. He died in the ambulance. I'm sure most people think I reacted strange....I had begged and begged my parents to let me go to camp that summer and I was set to leave that monday (this was friday night). my granddad was excited for me and really wanted me to go...wanting to go to camp was really out of character for me. After having time to quietly take in what had happened I begged my parents to still let me go. Of course camp isn't cheap and it was non refundable so they agreed. So instead of going to his funeral that monday I left for camp bright amd early on a bus of teenagers. Shocked everyone that shy quiet rebekah never called home and never look back heh.
I say this because now my other 3 grandparents are aging. My other granddad can barely walk and his legs seem to get weaker by the day. My beloved aunt with down syndrome is in the throes of dementia and its rare for her to call me by name...oh how I cherish the rare time that she calls me bekah now. She rarely walks and doesnt leave the den. A good family friend who is like family and has been close to us since I was 13 was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like its inevitable that someone is going to die. I know that sounds morbid...but look at the situations and the odds. Health problems aside 2 of my remaining 3 graandparents are in their 80s.
I look at my nephew who just started crawling and think cruel aging is. How cruel disease is. I am thankful the mikey monkey is healthy but I know many kids aren't so lucky.
I know birth and death are a part of life....one as much as the other. there is a time to be born and a time to die. I like to look at death as a kind of birth because I believe that this life isn't all there is. I believe there is heaven. I'm not sure what it is but I believe its there. And I believe death is kind of like the birth process to get there. Just like how we have to be born into this world...we have to be born into heaven. Or thats the way I like to think of it. I can't live without believing that there is something more than this life. I just can't. I don't believe death is final. I've never felt like this world was my home...I don't feel like this is where I belong. I can't explain it. I just know that this is not my home! I just have to look at my aunt for proof of that...I have no doubt she sees things that I cannot even comprehend and that I will not be able to comprehend until I die. I just have to hold on to something. Its what gets me through those days when I am so depressed I don't feel like I can make it another minute. I also though don't believe my time here is up. So many times I could have died and I didn't....I just believe for some reason, for some purpose...I'm still meant to be here. And that keeps me going when I don't think i can.
I shudder to think of life without the family that has surrounded me since I was born. I've grown up with all my family around me. Within walking and biking and golf cart distance. I am thankful everyday for their support. I still think of my granddad often even though its been almost 15 years...I will forever be grateful for all checkers games while we drank grape sodas and talked fish aquariums (our hobby) and for the walks in his greenhouse while he showed me what he was growing. I hope that we can provide Mikey those kind of memories.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
dreams, fighting and life
Today is one of those bad days. Anyone who has struggled with major depressive disorder knows the kind I am talking about. The kind where your biggest achievements are that you took a shower and made it through the day without harming yourself.
It made me think back and realize that this is not how I envisioned my life at 28. I will turn 29 next month and let me just say when I was a teenager and saw myself at almost 30... I did not picture weekly psychiatrist appointments, that I would still be struggling with self harm, that I would have 4 psychiatric hospital stays under my belt in 2 years and a suicide attempt. I pictured myself an independant woman...I pictured vet school, working with animals, my own place, most of all HAPPINESS! Funny enough unlike most teen girls I never pictured myself as married or a mom...two things I still don't really desire.
And then I realize that the life expectancy for cystic fibrosis is 39 years old and well you do the math. CF is a tricky beast....all it takes is one nasty infection, one bad bacteria, one bout with the flu. Its a beast that takes a lot to fight. And to be honest sometimes I get tired of fighting it.
I get tired of fighting the depression...sometimes I want to say hell with it and crawl in the bed and stay there. (no I am NOT suicidal). I guess what I am saying is everyday I live is a battle. Even the simplest things...breathing, eating, getting out of bed, making myself do anything. Between CF and all my mental illnesses life truly is a battle and I do get tired of fighting it. I think thats understandable.
I'm not saying I'm never happy...I have my moments...lots of things bring me joy...Mikey, Abby, a funny tv show or movie, a good book, floating in a pool, spending the day with my mom or grandparents, angry birds, writing. But I've never experienced happiness like most people....its a very fleeting thing for me. Its hard to explain unless you have been there. I think sometimes I am so busy fighting that I forget to simply live...in the midst of therapy, therapy homework, breathing treatments, vest treatments, resting, doctor's appointments etc....its hard to just simply live in the moment.
It made me think back and realize that this is not how I envisioned my life at 28. I will turn 29 next month and let me just say when I was a teenager and saw myself at almost 30... I did not picture weekly psychiatrist appointments, that I would still be struggling with self harm, that I would have 4 psychiatric hospital stays under my belt in 2 years and a suicide attempt. I pictured myself an independant woman...I pictured vet school, working with animals, my own place, most of all HAPPINESS! Funny enough unlike most teen girls I never pictured myself as married or a mom...two things I still don't really desire.
And then I realize that the life expectancy for cystic fibrosis is 39 years old and well you do the math. CF is a tricky beast....all it takes is one nasty infection, one bad bacteria, one bout with the flu. Its a beast that takes a lot to fight. And to be honest sometimes I get tired of fighting it.
I get tired of fighting the depression...sometimes I want to say hell with it and crawl in the bed and stay there. (no I am NOT suicidal). I guess what I am saying is everyday I live is a battle. Even the simplest things...breathing, eating, getting out of bed, making myself do anything. Between CF and all my mental illnesses life truly is a battle and I do get tired of fighting it. I think thats understandable.
I'm not saying I'm never happy...I have my moments...lots of things bring me joy...Mikey, Abby, a funny tv show or movie, a good book, floating in a pool, spending the day with my mom or grandparents, angry birds, writing. But I've never experienced happiness like most people....its a very fleeting thing for me. Its hard to explain unless you have been there. I think sometimes I am so busy fighting that I forget to simply live...in the midst of therapy, therapy homework, breathing treatments, vest treatments, resting, doctor's appointments etc....its hard to just simply live in the moment.
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