Purpose

This is something I have been struggling with. Purpose. Purpose for my life. Purpose for things that have happened. Purpose. Growing up in a Christian home its a word I heard often. And I still believe God has a purpose for each of us...we're all here for a reason and a purpose and there are no mistakes. Saying it in theory is easier than applying it to myself however.

And then there is "everything happens for a reason"..."everything happens for a purpose". At one point I believed that....Or I thought I did. I'm not sure if I've ever really believed it. I think thats one part of Christianity I have always struggled with.  My faith in that started faltering when I was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis at age 16 and told the average life expectancy was 32 and there was no guarantee what side I would fall on because CF is so unpredictable. As I have lost more and more friends to the monster my everything happens for a purpose belief has faltered more. And then the last 2 years happened and shook me to the core and any belief I had in things happening for a purpose or reason was gone.

I believe some things have no purpose . Sometimes for reasons beyond our control bad things happen. Or for reasons within our control bad things happen. Maybe we caused them, maybe we didn't. Maybe someone else did, maybe not. They serve no greater good. Nothing good comes from them. They suck, they are hard and we claw our way through them. We make it the best that we can. We either fight with everything we have or we give up. We're either fighters or quitters. Just because He can make all things work together for good doesn't mean that all things are good or have purpose.

The one thing I struggle with is the cystic fibrosis. If I believe God created me and cystic fibrosis is genetic...I have two genetic mutations that cause it...then do I believe God created me with CF? Is it part of his purpose? I refuse to believe a painful, serious and ultimately deadly disease is part of His great plan for me. I refuse to believe depression is part of His plan. Sometimes crap happens. Sometimes God lets it for reasons we don't understand. He's not up there playing puppet master.

As for life purposes. That is tough too. We're not all Billy Grahams, Einsteins, beethovens etc. Some of us are average. We're plain everyday somewhat smarter than the average bear, okay looking, had one year of piano lessons and are somewhat artistic people. Nothing "special". Not the next world changer. Not the next great anything. Thats me...average. While I do believe average people can do extraordinary things I think sometimes we focus so much on purpose being something huge and important and world changing that we forget that it doesn't have to be. Taking care of family , raising kids, rescuing animals, doing anything that helps others, sharing your story (I like to think maybe 1 person will be helped through my blog and my story), working with kids at church or wherever, helping the enviroment (little things like cutting those plastic soda ring things up and not littering)....those things help change the world. Finding your talent...be it writing, photography, film making, etc. Purpose can cover a lot of ground and it may not be one certain huge thing. Maybe its being a certain kind of person and making an impact on others. Maybe its that book you write when your 50. Maybe its a documentary you make. Maybe its that child you raise. Maybe it has to do with someone you haven't even met yet. Maybe its thsoe memories people are left with....those lives you touch. I believe every person we meet....we leave an impression...some sort of impact...whether we know it...heck sometimes whether they know it.

I have no clue what purpose is. It sucks being average. I wish I was a prodigy or a genious etc. I wish God would talk to me and tell me what it is. Maybe I won't know here on earth. I do know I have a purpose...and its not finished yet. I know I would be dead otherwise with all the oppertunities God has had to take me. But He's left me here so He's not done. Sometimes I wish He were!