BitterSweet

If I had to describe 2013 in one word bittersweet would be it.  Tomorrow the sweetest part turns 5 months old...my nephew Michael. Oh how I love that sweet boy. I've never been much of a baby person but I could just cuddle and hug and kiss that bundle of sweetness forever. He loves his aunt bekah too ;-) Unfortunately I was not there for his birth...I was 3 hours away in the hospital at MUSC having one of those "bitter" moments. That was worth it to make sure that I will be there for the rest of his days

Of course just as much as new life is exciting and a part of life that we all look forward to.....seeing our loved ones age and move closer to the end of their lives is one that we dread. While we delight in Mikey we've had the sadness of watching loved ones age. My beloved grandparents who have been rock, my support, my safety have been declining slowly over the last year. It brings me to tears to see my "pop" struggling, almost unable to walk . And then my precious aunt who has down syndrome and has always been such a special part of our family....its heartbreaking to have had to watch her having seizures and to see her laying almost unresponsive in the hospital and to see dementia taking over.

I know death is just as much a part of life as birth. I know that. I'm not afraid of death. But I'm a lot more comfortable with my death and the thought of my health worsening than I am of the death and aging of those I love. I don't know why its so much easier to accept when its me. Having candid discussions with my mom about death (I love to tell her that if I die she better not EVER put my name etc on her back car window or I will haunt her forever lol)...but I can't bear to talk about anyone I love being sick or dying. Heck even the animals. I still get upset when I think about Ellie and thats been 2 years ago.

Needless to say Christmas was very different this year. No big meals etc. We had a very casual lunch at our house Christmas day with my mom, dad, josh, kara, me and mikey and my aunt, uncle, cousin and her boyfriend. My aunt was still in the hospital and that grandma was with her and my other grandparents weren't able to leave the house (we went over there and opened presents and visited Christmas eve). Certainly not the southern living Christmases we're used to lol. It was eat wherever you can find a spot. Dogs runnning around (4 of them!)/ Toys all over the place. And Christmas vacation playing loudly on the tv in the living room. But we were together and we were alive and most importantly we had the mikey monkey with us

I don't know 2014 holds. I know for me its looking to be a better year emotionally/mental health wise. I still take it a day at a time. I enjoy the good days and make it through the bad.  It hasn't started off so great physical health wise.  8 days into the year and I ended up at the doctor getting a rocephin shot and a rx for cipro...gotta go back next week for a recheck...so far the problem hasn't  cleared up completely which will mean more tests and more doctors *sigh* (and this is totally random and not CF related!)

I have found out throughout the last year that I am stronger than I ever thought and that I am a fighter...more than I ever knew! And I don't quit! Its good to know my stubborness is a good trait and not just one that annoys my family :-) I've seen a lot of growth in myself and sometimes I even surprise myself

I guess that sums up my 2013