For better or worse

Kind of a follow up to my post on acceptance....

I really struggle because I felt like I've never fit in. I felt like I've never been smart enough, talented enough etc. I know I'm not beautiful. I know I'm not talented. Yes I am smart...but that hasn't really gotten me anywhere but in trouble. I'm certainly not athletic. I'm excellent with animals but my extreme fear of people kind of holds me back because animals usually have people attached.

I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at almost 29. Still living at home, having had 4 psychiatric hospitalizations in 18 months, seeing a psychiatrist weekly, battling depression and anxiety and a paralyzing fear of people. My biggest achievement being how long I've gone without hurting myself. A far cry from the life of a veterinarian that I dreamed about at 15, 16 and 17.

I've watched my friends and my brother grow up and get married and have kids...while I'm left behind. I watch their lives go on...see them happy and fulfilled while I'm left behind struggling to make it one day at a time. And people don't get it...I hear well there are so many people who have it worse than you. Well....maybe you shouldn't be so happy because so many people have it better than YOU! <rant over>

I wonder if I will ever fall in love or I will die alone....and then I realize why I'm suicidal (a little dark humor there people)

I grew up in a strong Christian family...I never really questioned my faith until I was teenager and then I came to peace with it until this year. I don't talk about it much because well I live in a conservative southern town with a baptist church on every corner..and I've learned its best to avoid a) politics b) religion and c) football. I do still believe in God but the God I believe in...He's not quite the same one I was raised to believe in. The God I believe in is way more tolerant...He doesn't hate someone because of their sexual orientation or because their mentally ill or disabled or an alcoholic. He loves equally. My beliefs have evolved to be very liberal. I am pretty anti-church. My beliefs aren't based on what I've been told or what I've read in books by others....they are based on what I've lived and what I've read in the Bible.

It seems to be the only people who believe in cookie cutter Christianity are those who have the cookie cutter perfect lives. Those for whom everything has fallen into place. Those have fallen in love, gotten married, had kids, etc. Not those who have woken up in a hospital after trying to kill themselves. Not those for whom a pysch hospital is a second home. Not those who the depths of depression is no stranger to. Not those who have lost friends to the same fatal disease that will one day take their lives. Not those who been sexually assaulted and 5 years later are still struggling with it. Not only myself but those I have met along the way who struggle in similar yet different ways..whose pain is deeper than most can ever imagine.

I am a far different person than I was 2 years ago. For better or worse. Sometimes I don't know if all the therapy in the world will ever heal all the damage done in my life. I really don't. Maybe I will always be "broken goods"...too damaged for anyone to love.  But then Maybe I will come out of my coccoon a stronger, more beautiful butterfly than ever.