Its been another week where the bittersweet part of life has really shined through.
We got to spend the weekend with Mikey (and my brother and sister in law). I've never been a baby person...before mikey I'd never had much experience. But really the little guy won my heart the first time I met him. They got here friday and my mom was holding him and he was trying to dive out her arms and into mine! I even let the kid drool on phone and sang soft kitty 1,000 times. He's crawling now and at the point where you can really play with him and not just sit and rock him. It seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for his baby shower!
Mikey of course is the sweetest part of life right now. A reminder that life goes on...a reminder of new life, the excitement over every first. We've cheered as he's smiled, laughed, rolled over, sat up and now crawling. Mikey is hope...He is joy. Everything that babies and children are. You can't help but smile and laugh when you're around them
On the other end of that we celebrated my pop's 83rd birthday yesterday. While I am thrilled he is 83 and still here....it hurts to see him declining. It hurts to hear talks of wheelchairs and ramps and such. My grandparents have always been my rock. I've always been especially close to them. I've always avoided thinking about life without them. But as they age and as I see my granddad's health decline...I don't have much choice but to think about it a little. I mean it may be years but still.
I know the Bible says a "a time to be born and time to die"....and I have no problem with death. But I'm a lot more okay with MY death. I don't fear my death. The process of dying scares but not death. But I am scared of losing the ones I love and living without them. I also hate seeing them in pain. You know its funny....unlike most kids....I never had a fear of death...I never was afraid of it. Of the dying process yes...I want to go peacefully and not in a hospital...but death no. I've always been scared of losing the people I love. Thats what sucks about loving people....you end up losing them one way or another. I do believe death is not a final goodbye...just a see ya later. I have no concrete proof of these things...no scientific evidence but I believe them with all my heart based on my life experience. I fully believe some things just cannot be explained by science or otherwise during this lifetime. Maybe that makes me crazy..I don't think so. I don't call myself a hardcore Christian..or even a conservative one....but this isn't about religion so anyway
I know I've said a lot of this in other posts....but its just been on my mind a lot lately. I guess the fact I'm not getting any younger doesn't help any either. I can't believe I will be 29 next month! I think I will quit counting when I hit 30. Of course maybe when I hit 30 people will stop thinking I look 14 or 15.....its pretty sad when you still get carded to buy a game rated TEEN!!! Not even mature...TEEN!!! <rant over>
I'm happy about my birthday and somewhat sad...the years are going by way too fast. And I'm not where I wanted to be at this age. Nowhere near it. I know life is a journey and I am much happier with where I am this year and where I'm headed vs last year but still I'm sad when I look back at would could have been. I know I shouldn't look at the shoulda/coulda/wouldas...but don't we all? I know 29 is still young but then I wonder...do I really have a long life ahead of me? I know what a beast CF can be...I know there are no promises as to how it will progress...heck 3 years ago I was told I probably was going to need home oxygen and my heart was wearing out. My heart and lungs are going just as good as ever...amazing for someone who couldn't walk across a room without gasping for air! But still I know how fast things can change. I don't know...so much I want to do but yet I feel like I still have work to do before I can and and am still a ways away from being able to do it
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