dreams, fighting and life

Today is one of those bad days. Anyone who has struggled with major depressive disorder knows the kind I am talking about. The kind where your biggest achievements are that you took a shower and made it through the day without harming yourself.

It made me think back and realize that this is not how I envisioned my life at 28. I will turn 29 next month and let me just say when I was a teenager and saw myself at almost 30... I did not picture weekly psychiatrist appointments, that I would still be struggling with self harm, that I would have 4 psychiatric hospital stays under my belt in 2 years and a suicide attempt. I pictured myself an independant woman...I pictured vet school, working with animals, my own place, most of all HAPPINESS! Funny enough unlike most teen girls I never pictured myself as married or a mom...two things I still don't really desire.

And then I realize that the life expectancy for cystic fibrosis is 39 years old and well you do the math.  CF is a tricky beast....all it takes is one nasty infection, one bad bacteria, one bout with the flu. Its a beast that takes a lot to fight. And to be honest sometimes I get tired of fighting it.

I get tired of fighting the depression...sometimes I want to say hell with it and crawl in the bed and stay there. (no I am NOT suicidal). I guess what I am saying is everyday I live is a battle. Even the simplest things...breathing, eating, getting out of bed, making myself do anything. Between CF and all  my mental illnesses life truly is a battle and I do get tired of fighting it. I think thats understandable.

I'm not saying I'm never happy...I have my moments...lots of things bring me joy...Mikey, Abby, a funny tv show or movie, a good book, floating in a pool, spending the day with my mom or grandparents, angry birds, writing. But I've never experienced happiness like most people....its a very fleeting thing for me. Its hard to explain unless you have been there. I think sometimes I am so busy fighting that I forget to simply live...in the midst of therapy, therapy homework, breathing treatments, vest treatments, resting, doctor's appointments etc....its hard to just simply live in the moment.