I know I haven't blogged as often as promised. I wish I could say it was because I'm just so damned busy but we all know thats a lie. Its probably because Angry Birds Rio and The Big Bang theory are taking up too much of my time. That and I came to the all important conclusion that I need an intervention because I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with dusty (the cat) in my lap brushing him and singing the soft kitty song. That folks is a cry for help! Apparently my singing sucks because Dusty bit me and ran...or either I was just very creepy.
Anyhow...Tomorrow I am starting "flashback friday" where I will talk about a favorite TV show, toy, game etc from my childhood. Hold on people we're going back to the 80s and 90s! Today however I will just ramble...cause its my blog and I can do whatever I want.
I count myself lucky because I am almost 29 and I have lost one person that I was really close to. Or atleast since I've been old enough to really understand death. Either I am just really introverted and lack people I am close to or I am very lucky. I lost my granddad (my dad's dad) when I was 14. It was rather suddenly though I will never forget having lunch with him that afternoon and him saying he just didn't have much time left....his heart was giving out. Sure enough that night we got a call that they had to call 911 because he was having a heart attack. He died in the ambulance. I'm sure most people think I reacted strange....I had begged and begged my parents to let me go to camp that summer and I was set to leave that monday (this was friday night). my granddad was excited for me and really wanted me to go...wanting to go to camp was really out of character for me. After having time to quietly take in what had happened I begged my parents to still let me go. Of course camp isn't cheap and it was non refundable so they agreed. So instead of going to his funeral that monday I left for camp bright amd early on a bus of teenagers. Shocked everyone that shy quiet rebekah never called home and never look back heh.
I say this because now my other 3 grandparents are aging. My other granddad can barely walk and his legs seem to get weaker by the day. My beloved aunt with down syndrome is in the throes of dementia and its rare for her to call me by name...oh how I cherish the rare time that she calls me bekah now. She rarely walks and doesnt leave the den. A good family friend who is like family and has been close to us since I was 13 was diagnosed with cancer. I feel like its inevitable that someone is going to die. I know that sounds morbid...but look at the situations and the odds. Health problems aside 2 of my remaining 3 graandparents are in their 80s.
I look at my nephew who just started crawling and think cruel aging is. How cruel disease is. I am thankful the mikey monkey is healthy but I know many kids aren't so lucky.
I know birth and death are a part of life....one as much as the other. there is a time to be born and a time to die. I like to look at death as a kind of birth because I believe that this life isn't all there is. I believe there is heaven. I'm not sure what it is but I believe its there. And I believe death is kind of like the birth process to get there. Just like how we have to be born into this world...we have to be born into heaven. Or thats the way I like to think of it. I can't live without believing that there is something more than this life. I just can't. I don't believe death is final. I've never felt like this world was my home...I don't feel like this is where I belong. I can't explain it. I just know that this is not my home! I just have to look at my aunt for proof of that...I have no doubt she sees things that I cannot even comprehend and that I will not be able to comprehend until I die. I just have to hold on to something. Its what gets me through those days when I am so depressed I don't feel like I can make it another minute. I also though don't believe my time here is up. So many times I could have died and I didn't....I just believe for some reason, for some purpose...I'm still meant to be here. And that keeps me going when I don't think i can.
I shudder to think of life without the family that has surrounded me since I was born. I've grown up with all my family around me. Within walking and biking and golf cart distance. I am thankful everyday for their support. I still think of my granddad often even though its been almost 15 years...I will forever be grateful for all checkers games while we drank grape sodas and talked fish aquariums (our hobby) and for the walks in his greenhouse while he showed me what he was growing. I hope that we can provide Mikey those kind of memories.
No comments:
Post a Comment